Disclaimer: This post is just me venting and allowing myself to feel just a little bit sad. Feel free to skip it :)
I feel like I'm brand new at this whole staying at home thing. Even though I have two children, and even though Steven will be 3 this September, and even though I've actually been staying at home for a while, it still feels new to me. After Steven was born I did random spurts of working for a few months at a time. Also, with Steven, even when I was at home all the time, he was so young that he just adjusted to my schedule, I could take him wherever and still do whatever I wanted to with him. Then, when I had Sofia, I ended up going back to work full time when she was two months old. It wasn't until this past January that I got a job that allowed me to work at night and stay home with my kids a lot more. The first little bit I was training, and so even then my schedule was kind of crazy and I didn't feel like I was home all that much more than when I was working full-time. In April I finished my training and started working my regular schedule. Now I only work 2 nights a week and so at the most, my kids are at the babysitter's for 7 hours the day after I work. So even though I've been working on and off for a while, and I started this new job in January, I am just now starting to feel like a real stay at home mom.
I do not mean to sound like I'm complaining. I am really grateful that I get to be home with my kids the majority of the time and I am also very grateful that I have such an amazing husband who supports me & works very hard to make it so I won't have to work at all (unless I want to) very soon. I just feel a little lost sometimes. I'm sure a lot of new stay at home moms feel this way. There's no one telling you what you should be doing, no schedule you're supposed to follow, no deadlines to meet, like in school or at work. What you do is up to you. And although there are set things you need to do, like the laundry, or grocery shopping, or cleaning the bathroom, when you do it is really up to you. And now that my kids are getting older, I need to not only entertain them but also I need to start teaching them things. I feel a bit overwhelmed sometimes.
I don't really like the feeling of complete freedom & the complete responsibility of what & when things get done, I've come to realize. I will be the first to admit that I am not a very good housewife. My mom never really gave us set chores, and although we helped out around the house, she did the vast majority of the cleaning and cooking. I'm not out to blame her, but I think that more responsibility would have been a good thing for me. So now here I am, with my two wonderful kids, and I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be keeping my house spotless and teaching my kids and making sure they turn into geniuses and not letting them watch too much TV (and then feeling majorly guilty because I end up letting them watch way too much TV). I feel like if I'm not doing all these things, I'm not living up to the standards of a stay at home mom. Logically, I know that's not true, but sometimes I just get down on myself.
I also get lonely at times when it's just me and the kids all day. During the summer I don't see Josh nearly enough (seriously, if I'm not working, Josh will get up at 5 AM and not get home until 9:30 or later at night) so that doesn't really help the loneliness thing. I would say that I have a fair amount of friends, but most of them work or live in Utah County. I do have friends that stay home with their kids near me, but for whatever reason I have been really bad at spending time with them (sorry guys!).
I know my happiness or frustration or sadness or loneliness or boredom majorly depends on me (if not entirely). I do realize this. I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed at the vast amount of things I should be doing and also that all of it relies on me and what I'm doing about it. I'm the one who decides what we do with our day. I'm the one who decides whether or not the house gets clean. I'm the one who decides what and when to teach my kids. If I want to spend time with friends or make new ones, I need to get out there and do it. I'm the one who decides what kind of structure goes into my day. "Experts" say that it's really important for kids to have structure in their day, and if they do, they usually have a better time at behaving in a positive way. I'm now starting to realize that not only do children need structure, but parents (at least ME) need that structure as well! My major problem is that there is so much to do (cleaning, cooking, teaching, entertaining, etc.) in my day and it's all up to ME when and how and what gets done that it overwhelms me a lot of the time and then not much gets done. Plus I'm just lazy some of the time. I'd really rather watch TV or read a good book than scrub the toilet. So sue me ;) And then there's the whole topic of teaching your children. I'm amazed at those women who have little craft projects or learning time or whatever you want to call it every day (let alone those women who home school their children!). I don't even know where to start but I desperately want to make sure my kids (especially Steven at this point) get a good start to their education and that they don't turn into couch potatoes. And again, whichever thing happens is up to ME. It's hard having all that responsibility!
I know I just need to DO IT...to set up some sort of a schedule, to look online for good learning activities and projects. I need to just call up my friends and set aside time to see them or have play dates or meet at the park or what have you. I know I'll be a lot more happy and content if I just do that. I have to for my sake and my kids' sake. But right now I am letting myself vent and be a little sad.
If anyone has any ideas or resources about teaching their kids or how they handle the huge responsibility that is being a stay at home mom, I'd love to hear it!
Vent over.
4 comments:
I feel your pain. There's a lot of guilt that comes with being a mom. I think most moms, including you and I, try to do our best.
Here's a site I really like: productiveparenting.com
They send emails as many days a week as you want with ideas of things to do with your children, depending on their ages. I highly recommend it.
You're wonderful!
It's funny how aligned we are on some things, even though we are so far away now. :D
I feel like I could have wrote this post (aside from I never had an outside job), seriously.
I'm trying to do "tot school" with Bennett. I'm just gathering things.
I like http://1plus1plus1equals1.blogspot.com/ I just click on the tot school posts.
Too bad we can't get a degree in child rearing. I guess we kind of are, but by then our kids will be grown.
Relax! :) Every stay at home mom feels that way, I promise. Its great to have a schedule and to teach your children things, but be careful not to have too much structure. Because then you will feel awful when everything doesn't get done on time.
I also know a huge problem with SAH moms getting together is trying to work out nap time schedules. Younger kids have two naps, and older ones have one nap, but its in between the younger kids' two naps, and if your kids don't get their naps they get psycho, it's so complicated. I just finally had to realize that my family comes first, and fun and friends come later. I learned to enjoy my children more, and have things to do at home that are just for me.
I used to feel so bad because some kids younger than Emma were already reading, and she wasn't interested. But then I learned that she doesn't like me to teach her things. If I try, she clams right up and tunes me out. She likes to discover things on her own. It's so hard that kids develop at different rates, and if your kid isn't at the very top, sometimes you feel like a bad mom, when that really isn't the case at all.
Just remember, to everything there is a season. And, it came to pass, not to stay. :)
The hardest things about staying home, and pretty much being a single parent sometimes (i hear your pain phil is only home on the weekends!)is not comparing yourself to other moms. let someone else be the super mom and wear themselves out. much better to relax and enjoy not doing anything sometimes. i tried the whole home preschool thing with MaKenna and frankly she got bored and irritated with it. now whatever we're doing i just try to teach her something new or practice what she already knows. for example she learned her colors and shapes from all the different signs and objects while we were driving around or shopping. she's learning to recognize letters and write them now by us pointing them out wherever we go and writing "notes" to her imaginary friends. forget the flashcards and worksheets! every kids different and so is every mom. i think the important thing though, and i struggle with this too, is getting out of the house! it's easier for me to get depressed that phils not here, etc and feel sorry for myself than it is to go have some fun with makenna. i actually have to write it down on the calendar or else i seriously do get lazy and decide to just stay home. don't feel guilty. i know for me, being a nurturer and teacher to little kids does NOT come naturally. i wish i could just give birth to teenagers sometimes! but where's the fun in that?
Post a Comment